"No Engrish!"
Alternate Title: Compel me, dammit!
Since I've been working from home lately after the conclusion of my project out in the suburbs, I have finally understood why my answering machine gets so much action each day. For a while now, I've been pretty good with identifying telemarketing calls. A telltale sign would be the silence lasting about a second or two after you make a sound before someone picks up the phone and say, "Hello!"
Well, I've been bored lately. So I decided to see who these people are. On Tuesday, Sprint was the lucky recipient of my curiosity. Instead of saying the usual lame things like, "Maybe I'm John, maybe I'm not," or speaking in tongues (a mix between pig Latin and stuff I made up, or "Please help me, I killed the lady but she's too big for me to carry!" I decided to actually respond nicely.
And this Indian guy with a motor mouth who can probably speak a sentence in half the time I would take was telling me about how he can give me a free Sprint phone that was better than what I have, as well as a rate plan better than what I'm paying for. Of course, I got curious, because how did he know what kind of a phone I had? The conversation went something like this, and it would really help if you imagine an accent similar to Apu's:
Sprint: May I ask what kind of phone you have?
John: Sure! It's a Nokia N91.
Sprint: Uh-huh. John sir, I can give you a better phone! And best of all, it's free!
John: Okay, do you know what the N91 is?
Sprint: No, sir. But I can give you a better phone! You'll be amazed!
John: Okay, but why will I be amazed? What features does the phone have?
Sprint: It gives you early night calling, sir! It starts at 19:00 instead of 21:00!
John: Wait. That has nothing to do with the phone. Why would I want a free phone? Compel me!
Sprint: It has a color screen, and it can play music, sir!
John: Did you know that my N91 is an advanced smart phone, with a 4 GB drive for music, PDA functionality, WiFi and Bluetooth connectivity?
Sprint: I see. But this phone is better. And it's free!
John: Okay, but you haven't really described the phone to me, and I'm not convinced it is better than my Nokia.
Sprint: [feeling frustrated, so began to raise voice.] John sir, I'm giving you free phone! Why don't you want it?!?
[A crackle came on immediately, and a woman's authoritative voice chimed in.]
Sprint 2: Stay focused on the call.
John: Hello? What was that?
Sprint: Who do you have for your service?
John: AT&T.
Sprint: What kind of a rate plan do you have, and how much do you pay?
John: I have 900 rollover minutes, early night and weekend calls at 19:00, and unlimited data access for the Internet. And I pay $60 for it. [A lie.]
Sprint: John sir, Sprint can offer you a better plan!
John: Really? Please tell me more about it.
Sprint: Just for today, I can offer you a plan that you can't get anywhere else. For $49, you can get 450 minutes with early night and weekend calls!
John: Wait a minute. How is that better than my plan?
Sprint: John sir, it's easy. You are paying $60, and with Sprint, you'll be paying less!
John: Sure, I'm paying less, but it's not the same number of minutes.
Sprint: But you pay less!
John: Does it have data access?
Sprint: Yes sir.
John: So how much data allowance do I have a month?
Sprint: I don't know, sir. So you would like to sign up with Sprint?
John: No, I'm not ready yet. I'm still confused. You didn't answer me. Does the $49 plan include data access?
Sprint: No, but you can get it for a very nominal fee, sir. So where should I send you the free phone?
John: Okay, what is nominal? How much is nominal? Do I pay as I go? How much is it for 1 MB of data transfer? Or what kind of additional packages can I get? I want to know how much it would be for unlimited data access.
Sprint: John sir, don't worry, the data fee is very nominal, sir.
John: You keep on saying nominal, but I need to know the exact figure. Don't you have that in your pricing sheet?
Sprint: John sir, I don't know what a pricing sheet is.
John: But you're a salesperson!
Sprint: So do you want to sign up with Sprint? Clearly we can offer better phone and plan for you.
John: Wait. I am not yet convinced that you can offer a better rate, much less a better phone!
Sprint: But you don't have to pay for the phone!
John: Okay, if I do sign up for the service, you would have to record your statements and questions along with my responses with all the details regarding the verbal contract. So obviously for that reason you cannot use arbitrary terms like nominal. So what is the data fee?
Sprint: Great! So you want to sign up with Sprint! Is this your correct address...?
John: Wait, did you not listen to what I said?
So this goes on and on and on, with him going around in circles and not providing me with any real, concrete information. After seeing that I had been on the phone with this poor guy for over 20 minutes, I finally said, "Look, you're doing a poor job convincing me why you have a better phone and better rate plan, and you won't provide real details. I wouldn't hire you as my salesperson if I needed to sell something. You could have spent the last 20 minutes making at least 10 other calls."
The poor guy finally responded, "Have a good day, sir," before hanging up hastily.
Seriously, what the hell, right? So I forgot about the whole thing, until my friend and I were chatting about the iPhone and cellular phone service yesterday. He then brought to my attention about how Sprint cancelled over 1,000 contracts for customers who called customer service too much. I didn't hear about it, so I did a little research. Surely enough, Sprint did cancel subscribers who either called customer service too much, or roamed too much (although those serving in the Armed Forces will have their cancellations rescinded after catching hell). I spent over an hour reading everything I could about the whole thing.
Then the strangest thing happened. Another Sprint salesperson called right after I was done talking with my friend about Sprint, as if she felt her ears ringing and had the urge to call me up. With the news of Sprint's unreasonable contract cancellation still fresh in my mind, I promptly asked her, "Before I consider joining Sprint, may I ask will my contract be cancelled if I call the customer service too often?"
Her response was, "If you want."
I was actually speechless at her reply. Obviously, these Sprint salespeople were not trained to listen! If she had understood my question, she wouldn't have given such a ridiculous answer. So I just hung up on her, and forgot about it.
Then today, Sprint called me yet again! Damn! Sprint is sure persistent. And I don't blame them; especially they have the highest churn rate in the cellular service industry as well as the only cellular service company to lose money this year. After I picked up the phone, the following happened:
Sprint: Good morning, sir! How are you?
John: [thinking that the voice sounded familiar…] I'm fine. And how about yourself?
Sprint: I'm calling from Sprint, and I have a good deal for you!
John: Uhm, I just asked how you're doing. How are you?
Sprint: John sir, Sprint has... [A pause...]
John: Yes?
Sprint: No Engrish! [Click!]
The same bastard from Tuesday just called and hung up on me!!! I can't believe he actually told me he couldn't speak English! Oh my gosh! That was way too funny...
Since I've been working from home lately after the conclusion of my project out in the suburbs, I have finally understood why my answering machine gets so much action each day. For a while now, I've been pretty good with identifying telemarketing calls. A telltale sign would be the silence lasting about a second or two after you make a sound before someone picks up the phone and say, "Hello!"
Well, I've been bored lately. So I decided to see who these people are. On Tuesday, Sprint was the lucky recipient of my curiosity. Instead of saying the usual lame things like, "Maybe I'm John, maybe I'm not," or speaking in tongues (a mix between pig Latin and stuff I made up, or "Please help me, I killed the lady but she's too big for me to carry!" I decided to actually respond nicely.
And this Indian guy with a motor mouth who can probably speak a sentence in half the time I would take was telling me about how he can give me a free Sprint phone that was better than what I have, as well as a rate plan better than what I'm paying for. Of course, I got curious, because how did he know what kind of a phone I had? The conversation went something like this, and it would really help if you imagine an accent similar to Apu's:
Sprint: May I ask what kind of phone you have?
John: Sure! It's a Nokia N91.
Sprint: Uh-huh. John sir, I can give you a better phone! And best of all, it's free!
John: Okay, do you know what the N91 is?
Sprint: No, sir. But I can give you a better phone! You'll be amazed!
John: Okay, but why will I be amazed? What features does the phone have?
Sprint: It gives you early night calling, sir! It starts at 19:00 instead of 21:00!
John: Wait. That has nothing to do with the phone. Why would I want a free phone? Compel me!
Sprint: It has a color screen, and it can play music, sir!
John: Did you know that my N91 is an advanced smart phone, with a 4 GB drive for music, PDA functionality, WiFi and Bluetooth connectivity?
Sprint: I see. But this phone is better. And it's free!
John: Okay, but you haven't really described the phone to me, and I'm not convinced it is better than my Nokia.
Sprint: [feeling frustrated, so began to raise voice.] John sir, I'm giving you free phone! Why don't you want it?!?
[A crackle came on immediately, and a woman's authoritative voice chimed in.]
Sprint 2: Stay focused on the call.
John: Hello? What was that?
Sprint: Who do you have for your service?
John: AT&T.
Sprint: What kind of a rate plan do you have, and how much do you pay?
John: I have 900 rollover minutes, early night and weekend calls at 19:00, and unlimited data access for the Internet. And I pay $60 for it. [A lie.]
Sprint: John sir, Sprint can offer you a better plan!
John: Really? Please tell me more about it.
Sprint: Just for today, I can offer you a plan that you can't get anywhere else. For $49, you can get 450 minutes with early night and weekend calls!
John: Wait a minute. How is that better than my plan?
Sprint: John sir, it's easy. You are paying $60, and with Sprint, you'll be paying less!
John: Sure, I'm paying less, but it's not the same number of minutes.
Sprint: But you pay less!
John: Does it have data access?
Sprint: Yes sir.
John: So how much data allowance do I have a month?
Sprint: I don't know, sir. So you would like to sign up with Sprint?
John: No, I'm not ready yet. I'm still confused. You didn't answer me. Does the $49 plan include data access?
Sprint: No, but you can get it for a very nominal fee, sir. So where should I send you the free phone?
John: Okay, what is nominal? How much is nominal? Do I pay as I go? How much is it for 1 MB of data transfer? Or what kind of additional packages can I get? I want to know how much it would be for unlimited data access.
Sprint: John sir, don't worry, the data fee is very nominal, sir.
John: You keep on saying nominal, but I need to know the exact figure. Don't you have that in your pricing sheet?
Sprint: John sir, I don't know what a pricing sheet is.
John: But you're a salesperson!
Sprint: So do you want to sign up with Sprint? Clearly we can offer better phone and plan for you.
John: Wait. I am not yet convinced that you can offer a better rate, much less a better phone!
Sprint: But you don't have to pay for the phone!
John: Okay, if I do sign up for the service, you would have to record your statements and questions along with my responses with all the details regarding the verbal contract. So obviously for that reason you cannot use arbitrary terms like nominal. So what is the data fee?
Sprint: Great! So you want to sign up with Sprint! Is this your correct address...?
John: Wait, did you not listen to what I said?
So this goes on and on and on, with him going around in circles and not providing me with any real, concrete information. After seeing that I had been on the phone with this poor guy for over 20 minutes, I finally said, "Look, you're doing a poor job convincing me why you have a better phone and better rate plan, and you won't provide real details. I wouldn't hire you as my salesperson if I needed to sell something. You could have spent the last 20 minutes making at least 10 other calls."
The poor guy finally responded, "Have a good day, sir," before hanging up hastily.
Seriously, what the hell, right? So I forgot about the whole thing, until my friend and I were chatting about the iPhone and cellular phone service yesterday. He then brought to my attention about how Sprint cancelled over 1,000 contracts for customers who called customer service too much. I didn't hear about it, so I did a little research. Surely enough, Sprint did cancel subscribers who either called customer service too much, or roamed too much (although those serving in the Armed Forces will have their cancellations rescinded after catching hell). I spent over an hour reading everything I could about the whole thing.
Then the strangest thing happened. Another Sprint salesperson called right after I was done talking with my friend about Sprint, as if she felt her ears ringing and had the urge to call me up. With the news of Sprint's unreasonable contract cancellation still fresh in my mind, I promptly asked her, "Before I consider joining Sprint, may I ask will my contract be cancelled if I call the customer service too often?"
Her response was, "If you want."
I was actually speechless at her reply. Obviously, these Sprint salespeople were not trained to listen! If she had understood my question, she wouldn't have given such a ridiculous answer. So I just hung up on her, and forgot about it.
Then today, Sprint called me yet again! Damn! Sprint is sure persistent. And I don't blame them; especially they have the highest churn rate in the cellular service industry as well as the only cellular service company to lose money this year. After I picked up the phone, the following happened:
Sprint: Good morning, sir! How are you?
John: [thinking that the voice sounded familiar…] I'm fine. And how about yourself?
Sprint: I'm calling from Sprint, and I have a good deal for you!
John: Uhm, I just asked how you're doing. How are you?
Sprint: John sir, Sprint has... [A pause...]
John: Yes?
Sprint: No Engrish! [Click!]
The same bastard from Tuesday just called and hung up on me!!! I can't believe he actually told me he couldn't speak English! Oh my gosh! That was way too funny...
Labels: funny, sales, service, technology
posted by StHalcyon at
13:50
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