Another misguided day for the enamored...
What was that famous quote? "You are your own worst enemy." Do you really believe in that? Better yet, do I believe in that? I don't know. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yes, it is yet another Valentine's Day for which I'm single, or happily single as Amber would always proclaim, but I'm not in some kind of a VD funk. After all, I have grown quite accustomed to not celebrating this day glorified by corporate empires to churn out higher profits, especially when it is a day to remember a martyr from the late third century whose story has nothing to do with amor. After all, its association with romantic love was invented in the fourteenth century, now aided with the catalyst of modern American economy and the rise of Hallmark Cards.
History of Valentine's Day aside, I am experiencing something though. If not funk, then some kind of a strange feeling. {Or could it be a mental feeling manufactured with the aid of tannin?} It has been looming for weeks now, only to be amplified hundredfold this past Monday. You see, I have been reduced to this in a single moment of weakness. Instead of the usual self-confident, uppity John that night, I somehow became a nervous wreck. And it didn't help with my hour-long commute to and from work each day. Instead of being able to read a book or article, or simply relax like I typically would while flying on a plane, I'm now stuck in traffic over two hours a day with my own thoughts. If that is not mental self torture, I don't know what is.
So a battle loomed in my mind on Monday night. The war strategy has not worked before. After all, the score has been 0 for 1 in my life. But that night, I was thinking of the new battle. I know persistence and perseverance have worked for a few people in this world, and emphasized and romanticized to no ends in fiction. But should I go down a similar path for which the once employed strategy failed miserably before years ago? I don't know.
I gathered myself together. I stopped thinking too hard. And I decided to just put everything out there. Lay it all out on the table. No games. {Note of sarcasm: As if I have ever played games before.} I was scared and nervous. It reminded me of the time when I was in high school, when I decided out of the blue to join the drama troupe all for the sake of impressing a girl. But unlike my huge ambition in high school, which I not only just joined the drama club but went so far as to audition for (and subsequently get) the lead role, the delivery was far short of a stellar performance when I finally did what I set out to do. In an instant, I felt like this was the final tipping scale, not knowing which side that one grain of sand will fall on the scale of equal weights.
Panic ensued immediately. In stress, I called a friend right after the execution of my poorly thought out decision. To my surprise, she answered the phone for the first time ever. We talked for a long while. And something she said struck me. She said something to the effect of this: "Dating isn't what it used to be. Whatever happened to people calling each other and talking on the phone? Now it's email and text messaging!" I realized right then and there that that is the reason why I often neglect my paid Match.com subscription so much. But more than the realization, what she said brought me back to my younger years.
You see, back when I was way younger, flirting wasn't just stealing glances at a girl between classes near the lockers. It involved talking for a long time about absolutely nothing for hours at night. I also remember writing five or so notes a day in school, the careful smiley faces we'd draw at the end of our signed names, and the intricate way we'd fold our notes before nonchalantly walking by each other's locker in between classes to pass our secret notes. After I hung up with my friend, I immediately found myself a piece of paper and attempted to fold it like I used to in an attempt to test myself if I remembered how my secret love notes were folded from memory after not having done so in over 10 years. Surprisingly, it was like getting back on a bike after not riding one in years. Memories started to flood in. Me.Ss. Je.Br. Da.Sl. Wow...
Yeah, my friend has a point. Dating today is no longer what it used to be. I miss the good old days when I'd struggle to stay awake in the middle of the night whilst fighting to keep my phone glued to my ear to hear her talk, or when we'd find time after school to go for a walk in the field to talk about practically nothing important. Whatever happened to the old fashion way of impressing a girl? It's no longer how well you played at the basketball game against a huge rival. No longer showing how strong you are in front of her when you got hurt. It's no longer doing something klutzy intentionally in front of a girl and pretending to be embarrassed about it. Now, especially with my self-imposed rule of not dating people at work, impressing a girl in an otherwise grown up world is different.
I hate to brag, and I have never been the one to play that angle ever. But some of my friends have told me that I should mention who I work for, or how much I make. To this day, I don't know if it was a mistake on my part when I was with Ke.Ng. for not ever bringing her back to my place for fear of her realization of my lifestyle. For some odd reason, I've always tried to find ways to make sure that a girl likes me for the content of my character, not just what I am capable of. I'm smart and a huge nerd, but I always play the I failed calculus three in college card despite the fact that I'm insanely successful at the nerdy job that I do. The failing math card? Completely true. But somehow I always emphasized that more than my successes.
So I'm still single on Valentine's Day. Am I in a funk? Sure, you can say that. But is it due to the fact that it is February 14th? Definitely not. I am in a funk because I have suddenly become that silly boy in high school who has this serious crush on a girl. It's like all my improvements, maturity and self-confidence have suddenly been tossed out the window. I hate it that a girl can reduce me to this in an instance with the moment she smiled across the room, after years of self-restraint and growth.
Some friends said I'm too picky with girls. Some of my other friends said I'm always dating everybody. Some even nearly accused that I never date for fun, but rather looking for a relationship. Truth be told, none is accurate. I've given some girls the benefits of doubt. I have passed over girls I thought I would like. Of the girls from whom I successfully gotten their numbers, I only follow through with less than half that number. And I'm not out there looking to get married. Sure, settling down is a goal, but it has no timetable associated with it. If it happens, it happens. But how often does a pretty girl from across the room captivate you with a single smile? And for it to get better when she opens her mouth thus revealing a beautiful voice that draws you into her world? And only for it to get even better when you realize that she is extremely funny and quirky in the way that makes you want to be with her even more just so you can know her a little bit more? Especially one who makes you behave like a crazy kid, throwing calculated caution in the wind, acting like a little child? I can only tell you honestly that in my 29 years of living, only three girls have done that to me. The first one is now a close friend of mine. The second one was lost without closure. And now, the third one is making me beg to learn about her more. To understand her. For all I know, in all the attractive qualities that make her up, she could be a psycho girl like a few of the ones I have dated before. But something is telling me to take a blind chance. Jump off the cliff into the ocean unreservedly. And I don't know why!
If I pursue this, will it be 0 for 2? I don't know. A friend once told me an interesting story. She observed and asked why it was cute and hot when an attractive guy approaches her uninvited and starts flirting, but considered it creepy when a not so attractive guy does the exact same move on her? Well, I'll know soon enough if my atypical move will be perceived as cute, or sadly creepy. And for not knowing that, or perhaps my refusal to know what she thinks, I probably should finish the remaining last glass of wine in that bottle I have slowly been killing all night. Yes, I'll be looking forward to a wonderful headache come the morn. And I shall chuckle at what I wrote so far when I'm at work, and debate whether or not I should simply delete this writing. =)
History of Valentine's Day aside, I am experiencing something though. If not funk, then some kind of a strange feeling. {Or could it be a mental feeling manufactured with the aid of tannin?} It has been looming for weeks now, only to be amplified hundredfold this past Monday. You see, I have been reduced to this in a single moment of weakness. Instead of the usual self-confident, uppity John that night, I somehow became a nervous wreck. And it didn't help with my hour-long commute to and from work each day. Instead of being able to read a book or article, or simply relax like I typically would while flying on a plane, I'm now stuck in traffic over two hours a day with my own thoughts. If that is not mental self torture, I don't know what is.
So a battle loomed in my mind on Monday night. The war strategy has not worked before. After all, the score has been 0 for 1 in my life. But that night, I was thinking of the new battle. I know persistence and perseverance have worked for a few people in this world, and emphasized and romanticized to no ends in fiction. But should I go down a similar path for which the once employed strategy failed miserably before years ago? I don't know.
I gathered myself together. I stopped thinking too hard. And I decided to just put everything out there. Lay it all out on the table. No games. {Note of sarcasm: As if I have ever played games before.} I was scared and nervous. It reminded me of the time when I was in high school, when I decided out of the blue to join the drama troupe all for the sake of impressing a girl. But unlike my huge ambition in high school, which I not only just joined the drama club but went so far as to audition for (and subsequently get) the lead role, the delivery was far short of a stellar performance when I finally did what I set out to do. In an instant, I felt like this was the final tipping scale, not knowing which side that one grain of sand will fall on the scale of equal weights.
Panic ensued immediately. In stress, I called a friend right after the execution of my poorly thought out decision. To my surprise, she answered the phone for the first time ever. We talked for a long while. And something she said struck me. She said something to the effect of this: "Dating isn't what it used to be. Whatever happened to people calling each other and talking on the phone? Now it's email and text messaging!" I realized right then and there that that is the reason why I often neglect my paid Match.com subscription so much. But more than the realization, what she said brought me back to my younger years.
You see, back when I was way younger, flirting wasn't just stealing glances at a girl between classes near the lockers. It involved talking for a long time about absolutely nothing for hours at night. I also remember writing five or so notes a day in school, the careful smiley faces we'd draw at the end of our signed names, and the intricate way we'd fold our notes before nonchalantly walking by each other's locker in between classes to pass our secret notes. After I hung up with my friend, I immediately found myself a piece of paper and attempted to fold it like I used to in an attempt to test myself if I remembered how my secret love notes were folded from memory after not having done so in over 10 years. Surprisingly, it was like getting back on a bike after not riding one in years. Memories started to flood in. Me.Ss. Je.Br. Da.Sl. Wow...
Yeah, my friend has a point. Dating today is no longer what it used to be. I miss the good old days when I'd struggle to stay awake in the middle of the night whilst fighting to keep my phone glued to my ear to hear her talk, or when we'd find time after school to go for a walk in the field to talk about practically nothing important. Whatever happened to the old fashion way of impressing a girl? It's no longer how well you played at the basketball game against a huge rival. No longer showing how strong you are in front of her when you got hurt. It's no longer doing something klutzy intentionally in front of a girl and pretending to be embarrassed about it. Now, especially with my self-imposed rule of not dating people at work, impressing a girl in an otherwise grown up world is different.
I hate to brag, and I have never been the one to play that angle ever. But some of my friends have told me that I should mention who I work for, or how much I make. To this day, I don't know if it was a mistake on my part when I was with Ke.Ng. for not ever bringing her back to my place for fear of her realization of my lifestyle. For some odd reason, I've always tried to find ways to make sure that a girl likes me for the content of my character, not just what I am capable of. I'm smart and a huge nerd, but I always play the I failed calculus three in college card despite the fact that I'm insanely successful at the nerdy job that I do. The failing math card? Completely true. But somehow I always emphasized that more than my successes.
So I'm still single on Valentine's Day. Am I in a funk? Sure, you can say that. But is it due to the fact that it is February 14th? Definitely not. I am in a funk because I have suddenly become that silly boy in high school who has this serious crush on a girl. It's like all my improvements, maturity and self-confidence have suddenly been tossed out the window. I hate it that a girl can reduce me to this in an instance with the moment she smiled across the room, after years of self-restraint and growth.
Some friends said I'm too picky with girls. Some of my other friends said I'm always dating everybody. Some even nearly accused that I never date for fun, but rather looking for a relationship. Truth be told, none is accurate. I've given some girls the benefits of doubt. I have passed over girls I thought I would like. Of the girls from whom I successfully gotten their numbers, I only follow through with less than half that number. And I'm not out there looking to get married. Sure, settling down is a goal, but it has no timetable associated with it. If it happens, it happens. But how often does a pretty girl from across the room captivate you with a single smile? And for it to get better when she opens her mouth thus revealing a beautiful voice that draws you into her world? And only for it to get even better when you realize that she is extremely funny and quirky in the way that makes you want to be with her even more just so you can know her a little bit more? Especially one who makes you behave like a crazy kid, throwing calculated caution in the wind, acting like a little child? I can only tell you honestly that in my 29 years of living, only three girls have done that to me. The first one is now a close friend of mine. The second one was lost without closure. And now, the third one is making me beg to learn about her more. To understand her. For all I know, in all the attractive qualities that make her up, she could be a psycho girl like a few of the ones I have dated before. But something is telling me to take a blind chance. Jump off the cliff into the ocean unreservedly. And I don't know why!
If I pursue this, will it be 0 for 2? I don't know. A friend once told me an interesting story. She observed and asked why it was cute and hot when an attractive guy approaches her uninvited and starts flirting, but considered it creepy when a not so attractive guy does the exact same move on her? Well, I'll know soon enough if my atypical move will be perceived as cute, or sadly creepy. And for not knowing that, or perhaps my refusal to know what she thinks, I probably should finish the remaining last glass of wine in that bottle I have slowly been killing all night. Yes, I'll be looking forward to a wonderful headache come the morn. And I shall chuckle at what I wrote so far when I'm at work, and debate whether or not I should simply delete this writing. =)
posted by StHalcyon at
23:34
1 Comments:
Staying up late at night, talking on the phone with someone you like about nothing still happens. It's not all about txting and emails.
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