Meeting Susan's fate?

When I was younger, and having lived in Kansas City, I thought the ultimate way of sending your thoughts by mail was to go with Hallmark cards, "when you care enough to send the very best." Well, times have changed. Ever since moving to Chicago, I have discovered Crane and Papyrus, and have fallen in love with penmanship all over again. It made me feel like sending out Hallmark was no longer cutting it for me.

Last night, I decided to put the kibosh on my procrastination. After all, I have bought four boxes of Christmas cards last month from Papyrus with every intention of having them mailed out shortly thereafter. I put on some good music, like A Charlie Brown Christmas and John Mayer, to set the mood. I would have loved a glass of wine or two, but considering that I was not feeling well, a bottle of sports drink it was. My laptop was on the dinner table, with an Excel spreadsheet of those lucky ones to receive my Christmas cards and the electronic contact list on Outlook running. The cards and stamps were laid out on the table to my left.

Ah, everything was perfect. Except... I spent half an hour looking all over my place for that special gray pen that I only write personal letters with. In the end, I had to settle for my favorite casual black pen instead. A little disappointing, but oh well.

Three hours and forty something stamps later, my hand was aching. All but a couple cards were ready. But those will have to wait till I receive word on the recipients' updated address. Given that it was already really late in the evening, I thought it best to just get the licking over with and go to bed.

It didn't take long before getting my first paper cut on the tongue. Damn! But I had bigger issues than a mere cut. I remembered an urban legend being passed around on the Internet about a roach egg in the glue of the envelope that transferred into the cut tongue. Even though I knew it had long been debunked as false, I couldn't help but think about the wild possibilities. That's the thing with urban legends; they always seem to be reasonable and plausibly true.

Then I thought to myself, my goodness, this glue tastes kind of funny...in a horrible way. I remember Hallmark envelopes had a sweet taste in their glue so as to not make their customers ill or something. One thought led to another thought, and before long, I was thinking, could I possibly die in the next few hours? I chuckled so hard, thinking back to that one Seinfeld episode about George's fiancée Susan having died from licking toxic wedding envelopes. That was a very funny episode, I have to add.

And then another thought entered my sick mind after licking about fourteen or so green envelopes. One of the boxed cards had lots of glitter in them, and I began to feel the gritty things in my mouth once I started licking the red envelopes. What if all these bright and shiny objects enter my stomach and blood stream? Will I have a heart attack or something?

I know, death and dying are not things you typically think of during Christmastime, but what can I say? I have my own wicked sense of humor to keep myself entertained. After all, if it wasn't for the pop culture and things I read on the Internet (which is always true), my life would be deadly boring. =)