No Sense of Identity

It's not that I'm a contrarian, but I'm simply flexible. Ask me any question, and unlike the general populace, my answer will almost always be, "It depends," regardless of the question you have asked. Naturally, this has more than angered some of my friends, and frustrated many of my clients. Life, it seems, does not always trek its way through the same predictable course. And I hate the overly generalized questions. Overly generalized questions deserver the overly generalized answer of, "It depends."

You see, my life has never been polarizing one way or another. I was born to a father from Taiwan, and a mother from Malaysia. And on top of that, I grew up in predominantly Muslim country of Indonesia, while attending an American boarding school for missionaries. And to make matters all the more complicated, my parents weren't missionaries, much less Christians! I grew up as what most of us call third culture kid. I don't have a readily and unmistakably cultural exuberance indicative of my being Taiwanese. But neither do I have an Indonesian or American cultural radiance. But if you don't know me, you'll automatically assume that I'm Chinese. Until I open my mouth, because I have a hint of a weird accent that is not identifiable.

Not only is my background a big middle-of-nothing-ness, so is my personality. I know extremely well all things technology, especially computers and the likes. I was the ace programmer in all my programming classes in college, and I'm very good at what I do for a living. In a sense, I'm a super Geek, based purely on my knowledge, skill set and career. But if you were to meet me for the first time, or tenth for that matter, you'll never hear me bring up the question, "Have you heard that AMD announced the first ever triple core chips that can do this and that?" Things like that do not interest me. I'm simply analytical, comprehensive, and smart. And all I do is apply those into a job that I don't exactly love, other than treating it as a means to an end.

Many people who come across me will always think that I'm slightly off. And to an extent, I am kind of weird. Yes, I do march to the beat of a different tune in life. I used to be really funny and be the class clown, and once in a while, that side of me shows up in my adult life. But for the most part, I've become a very serious person, especially at client sites. But then, once in a while, my clownish side will mysteriously pop up in client settings. Instead of being the 29 year old professional, I would become a crazy 15 year old. And of course, this typically will have dire consequences, such as creating the permanent image for my client that I'm just a goof who went too far.

So as I sit on this flight back to Chicago, I've been doing some thinking. Why did I become a technical person? Why didn't I go into acting? I sometimes think my life would be better suited to being a comedian. I have never gotten to work at eight or nine sharp with any regularity. My personality is better suited to being a starving actor with multiple side jobs. I think I would be way happier that way, instead of being tied to the constraints of corporate America.

I'm 29 now, nearly hitting 30 in a few short months. A quick look back through my last six years and some months revealed good times and bad. Despite all that, they were mostly all moments which I'm grateful for. I mean, I never had to worry about not having money to pay the rent or food. But at the same time, I'm not exactly content. Maybe I should consider a totally different career path at this juncture in life.

I don't know... Is this sense of identity loss a symptom of the 30 year life crisis?

I hope not. But as cool as it sounds to marry a wealthy girl and be done with the rat race, I know with a hundred percent certainty that I will be bored and unhappy with such arrangement.

Sometimes I wish I am more naïve and just be willful and polarized without too much thinking, instead of living a it depends kind of life. =)