I'm a Failure
Throughout my adult life during and after college, I have made friends who were in high school and under 18. I know that is kind of weird, especially when none of them are related to me. These are people I have met in person, either through their families or their older hometown friends who are of my age. The only exception was a girl who I met online when I was 19, 10 years ago.
Most of these friends have grown up and are in college, and some have already graduated college and moved into adulthood. Looking back, these girls at one point or another had some sort of a crush on me. It is just unfortunate that young girls are impressionable and at some point in time had crushes on guys who are way older. But I have always denied them the acknowledgement of their crush, because of the age thing and the creepiness of such Lolita-ness. I would much rather date someone who is of my age or older, as I can't stand to have a conversation about things like, "So my teacher was like totally mean to me, and he did this and that," or "And he told her stuff like so and so, and she got mad, and now she is like totally mad at me for something I didn't do," et cetera. I would hate to hear crickets chirping when I try to talk about politics or current world affairs.
But one thing is for sure. Although they were hurt initially with my not doing anything with their baring of their souls in regards to me, they have always understood eventually and remained friends. They would come to trust and rely on me for advice in their troubled young dramatic lives. Of course, being girls that they are, most of the time it involved their love lives. What I have never understood was the fact that when they knew that I have never had a girlfriend for over six months myself, they still wanted my perspective on relationships and sought my advice and opinion. I tried the best I could, based on my personal beliefs.
Why am I talking about this? Because most of them are no longer teens now, and they have stopped asking for advice. It has been years since I doled out words of wisdom. Until yesterday. A very distraught friend could not stop crying because she recently found out that her boyfriend has been cheating on her at least emotionally through the Internet. I have no idea what to say or do, as now that we are both adults despite the fact that she is still 20, I don't feel like I am exactly a subject matter expert on relationships. Especially during a time when I am in a jar of pickles myself.
Looking back at most of my friends and the decisions they made, I realized that I have been a total failure. They didn't heed my advice. They made many decisions that taught them huge lessons. Although I wanted to say many times, "I told you so," I did not have the heart to do so. After all, they were young girls, and "I told you so" is not exactly what they wanted to hear when their little hearts got broken.
Thank goodness that none of them have made the ultimate mistake that led to teen pregnancy. But I felt especially sad and upset that one blew my advice off and disregarded her own parents' efforts to make her understand that a 32 year old guy should not be wooing a 16 year old girl. Last year, she had a scare and thought she might have been pregnant. My heart sank. And it got worse when she fought with her parents and decided to move out of state with him when she turned 17. And she didn't want to hear anything from me because I sided along with her parents.
Now that she's 18 and in her senior year, I wondered how she truly is doing. After all, she keeps on saying she is happy now because she is in love and wants to marry him, even though he has a drinking problem along with a nasty temper. (I know, what a great combination.) Disowned by her parents, her boyfriend can't exactly pay for healthcare, much less her college tuition if she wanted to get higher education.
I know that whatever situation she is in is the result of her own decisions, but I still feel a little bit of guilt. She had this huge crush on me once, and it was also around that time that her now boyfriend was always hanging around school grounds pursuing her. I feel like I should have pretended to like her and string her along, saying things like, "I like you too, but let's wait till you're 17 before we get into a relationship." That would have at least bought her time to ignore this strange pedophile. But I could not in my heart pretend to have feelings for her, much less knowingly waste a year of her romantic life.
In retrospect, I think if she learned of my deception if I had done what I should have, she would have hated me more than her parents. But sometimes I feel like the cost of my friendship, although steep, would have been less than the cost she is paying now. She was extremely bright and smart, did sports, and artistic. A college entrance was not far off, but now it seems like having kids and getting married soon is a priority.
I look at her and think to myself, "God, I'm a total failure." Because of her, I don't feel like I should be giving out advice to anyone anymore. I think being a true friend, you not only need to just give advice, but success can be had only if the other party heeds to your advice. I know I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I do think about this once in a while.
Most of these friends have grown up and are in college, and some have already graduated college and moved into adulthood. Looking back, these girls at one point or another had some sort of a crush on me. It is just unfortunate that young girls are impressionable and at some point in time had crushes on guys who are way older. But I have always denied them the acknowledgement of their crush, because of the age thing and the creepiness of such Lolita-ness. I would much rather date someone who is of my age or older, as I can't stand to have a conversation about things like, "So my teacher was like totally mean to me, and he did this and that," or "And he told her stuff like so and so, and she got mad, and now she is like totally mad at me for something I didn't do," et cetera. I would hate to hear crickets chirping when I try to talk about politics or current world affairs.
But one thing is for sure. Although they were hurt initially with my not doing anything with their baring of their souls in regards to me, they have always understood eventually and remained friends. They would come to trust and rely on me for advice in their troubled young dramatic lives. Of course, being girls that they are, most of the time it involved their love lives. What I have never understood was the fact that when they knew that I have never had a girlfriend for over six months myself, they still wanted my perspective on relationships and sought my advice and opinion. I tried the best I could, based on my personal beliefs.
Why am I talking about this? Because most of them are no longer teens now, and they have stopped asking for advice. It has been years since I doled out words of wisdom. Until yesterday. A very distraught friend could not stop crying because she recently found out that her boyfriend has been cheating on her at least emotionally through the Internet. I have no idea what to say or do, as now that we are both adults despite the fact that she is still 20, I don't feel like I am exactly a subject matter expert on relationships. Especially during a time when I am in a jar of pickles myself.
Looking back at most of my friends and the decisions they made, I realized that I have been a total failure. They didn't heed my advice. They made many decisions that taught them huge lessons. Although I wanted to say many times, "I told you so," I did not have the heart to do so. After all, they were young girls, and "I told you so" is not exactly what they wanted to hear when their little hearts got broken.
Thank goodness that none of them have made the ultimate mistake that led to teen pregnancy. But I felt especially sad and upset that one blew my advice off and disregarded her own parents' efforts to make her understand that a 32 year old guy should not be wooing a 16 year old girl. Last year, she had a scare and thought she might have been pregnant. My heart sank. And it got worse when she fought with her parents and decided to move out of state with him when she turned 17. And she didn't want to hear anything from me because I sided along with her parents.
Now that she's 18 and in her senior year, I wondered how she truly is doing. After all, she keeps on saying she is happy now because she is in love and wants to marry him, even though he has a drinking problem along with a nasty temper. (I know, what a great combination.) Disowned by her parents, her boyfriend can't exactly pay for healthcare, much less her college tuition if she wanted to get higher education.
I know that whatever situation she is in is the result of her own decisions, but I still feel a little bit of guilt. She had this huge crush on me once, and it was also around that time that her now boyfriend was always hanging around school grounds pursuing her. I feel like I should have pretended to like her and string her along, saying things like, "I like you too, but let's wait till you're 17 before we get into a relationship." That would have at least bought her time to ignore this strange pedophile. But I could not in my heart pretend to have feelings for her, much less knowingly waste a year of her romantic life.
In retrospect, I think if she learned of my deception if I had done what I should have, she would have hated me more than her parents. But sometimes I feel like the cost of my friendship, although steep, would have been less than the cost she is paying now. She was extremely bright and smart, did sports, and artistic. A college entrance was not far off, but now it seems like having kids and getting married soon is a priority.
I look at her and think to myself, "God, I'm a total failure." Because of her, I don't feel like I should be giving out advice to anyone anymore. I think being a true friend, you not only need to just give advice, but success can be had only if the other party heeds to your advice. I know I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I do think about this once in a while.
posted by StHalcyon at
12:32
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